In the interests of furthering my German language skills, meeting people in my neighbourhood and doing something challenging, I decided to take antenatal classes in German. It’s not so bad – my partner translates a few bits and pieces that I don’t understand and having to speak to the class at the start of each session is good for my speaking skills. But that first class was one hell of an introduction.

The group had done a little icebreaker of asking questions to the couple sitting next to us and then reporting back to the group on what we had found out about them. So-and-so are having a girl and they have prepared their baby’s nursery already. Such-and-such have moved here from somewhere else and they are having trouble finding a midwife. All fine so far. Everyone seems friendly and happy.

Then the midwife starts speaking. I pay close attention as I try to translate what she’s saying to the group…

“So you probably all know about Damm massage already”, she says. “It should be done from week 36 every day for 5 minutes. The ladies probably won’t be able to reach so they’ll need the partners to do it for them”. She starts demonstrating circular movements with her thumbs and fingers and everyone in the room looks horrified. Eyes suddenly drop to the floor and there is complete, awkward silence.

“What does ‘damm’ mean in English?” I whisper to my partner.

He stifles an awkward laugh and tells me, “It’s the bit, you know…in between the two places”. Ahh. That would be perineal massage then. Welcome to German birth class!