I don’t trust people anymore.

I should refine that. I don’t trust people I am in a relationship with anymore. I haven’t for a long time and a lot of things have happened to convince me that I’m right in guarding myself. It’s a destructive, unfulfilling way to live though, and I’m trying to change it.

Apart from one boyfriend, everyone I have been in a relationship with has cheated on me. Last year, three weeks before the due date of my daughter, I discovered that my partner had been having an emotional affair with someone else. I think it was just emotional but, as I don’t trust people, it always plays on my mind that maybe it was more.

This post isn’t to air any dirty laundry or make him feel worse than he already does about it. For me it’s about accepting what happened and trying to get past the shitty hurt phase that I’ve been living every day for the last year while being a new mum. I’m so tired of feeling paranoid and questioning everything a thousand times. I would give anything to have the feeling of trust back again. Trust gives you the space to relax and enjoy a relationship and I miss it.

I don’t know how, though! Seeing a couple’s counsellor together is my first option but it is virtually impossible right now with our work schedules and fitting everything around our baby. Time is doing a good job of healing but I know from how I feel about being cheated on 10 years ago that it takes a very LONG time. I really need to muster up all my strength each day to believe that everything is good and will be OK and sometimes that is the absolute hardest thing to do. Especially when I’m tired, my daughter is teething, and I’m at home on my own so I have the time to think back on what happened.

I’m taking the first step of trusting in trust itself in very small increments of time and trying to fade out the volume of the voice in my head that is suspicious of everything. It’s hard to do because that voice has been very right over the years. I need to learn to balance it and choose when to listen to it and act upon it. I definitely don’t want to be hurt again but I don’t want to bring bad situations to myself by focusing on that voice too much. I feel like it’s in overdrive to protect me and I need to find the off button.