Here we are again! Almost exactly three years later, I’m expecting my second child. Somehow, it’s worked out that the due date of this baby is five days after the third birthday of my daughter. This pregnancy is not at all what I expected, though.

My dad died in April this year. I was able to be at his hospital bedside with my siblings for his final 24 hours and it was a crazily emotional time but it was also peaceful and special in a lot of ways. One week later, I found out that I was pregnant and it was such a strange mix of emotions; I really could not process it at all for a long time. On top of this, my partner felt he really could not cope with having another baby (this will be his third child) and we went through several months of difficulties. I really considered every angle and the possibility that going through with the pregnancy might mean going it alone.

Add in the worries of Brexit (I’m from the UK but live in Germany), INCREDIBLY long-lasting and all-day/all-night morning sickness until 22 weeks and generally feeling a lot older and more tired this time around and it wasn’t very enjoyable.

Things took a turn when I found out the gender of the baby. A boy. It felt really special, especially considering the timing of everything with my dad’s death. My partner seemed to relax with this information, we started to communicate well again, I started to feel less sick.

I’m scared about giving birth again – I remember thinking ‘never do this again! It is so painful!’ but in a lot of ways I feel stronger this time around. I’ve hired a doula to be there to support me and my partner at the birth. This makes me feel immediately better – being in another country to your family at a time like having a baby is quite daunting and her presence makes me feel better prepared already.

I have several close friends who’ve recently experienced sadness or are going through difficulties with fertility and pregnancy and it has made me feel very different this time around. To get through a healthy pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby is something that we can’t take for granted, even in 2019. I haven’t told people until fairly late that we’re having another baby and that has definitely played a part in my reasons why.

I also didn’t expect to feel so guilty about having another baby in relation to my daughter! I went through an initial period of something similar to grief, thinking about what I was taking away from her and the ways I would change her life. My doula has helped me to see the positives and my daughter is also amazing me in how she’s responding to me talking to her about having a younger sibling. As usual, I’ve got a lot to learn.