To help you build back all the important muscles that stop you from wetting yourself when you laugh after you have a baby, in Germany you do a ‘Rückbildungskurs’. This gets covered by your health insurance, which is great because you really do need to get your strength back – I felt like my entire core was made of jelly and my posture had changed drastically during pregnancy.

I chose to do an intensive course, so twice a week I went along and joined a class of about eight other women. Once a week was with babies (this involved a lot of time with babies crying and mothers stopping their exercises to breastfeed or give a bottle, or to put their baby back on the mat where they’d originally placed them but they’d rolled away from) and the other day was without children. My daughter obviously slept the whole way through every class, meaning I had to do every exercise without a break, although in the long run I’m grateful for that because I got the most out of the classes.

The final class of the course arrived and the midwife closed with some tips we could use to further strengthen the all-important ‘beckenboden’ (pelvic floor). We all laughed a little awkwardly as she suggested using loveballs, which she gave a warning for: “They increase libido so only use them when you know your partner will be coming home soon. Don’t use them when the postman is about to knock”. “Have you tried them yourself?” someone asked. “Of course”, she said with a completely straight face. I love Germans.

Next on the list: high heels. “Wear high heels of at least 8cm to work the pelvic floor”, she said. “Wearing them for too long isn’t good for your back but a few minutes a day is OK”. One of the other women said, “Wow, it’s turning out to be a real treat for the guys with loveballs and high heels. Throw in a pair of stockings and you’ve got the complete set”.

And then someone made a comment that made me laugh so much that I had to hope my poor beckenboden would hold everything in…

“The only ones that fit me after pregnancy are thrombosis stockings”.